What Hurts the Most
by minafinnes
Summary: Cameron needs to talk to someone about her feelings for House but when she does, it leads to even more emotional turmoil.
1. Chapter 1

Chapter One-Straight to the Horse's Ass

Allison Cameron was sitting on her cream-colored couch nursing a hot, steaming cup of tea. The rain was tapping lightly on the window pain. She had rushed home from work and changed into her lounging clothes. She was exhausted both emotionally and physically. They had just closed a hard case. House became unbearable towards the end. It had taken two weeks to come to the correct diagnosis.

She put the cup of tea down on her coffee table and let her head fall back onto the couch. She let out a long, audible breath. Allison felt like she had been holding it in all day. It had been a hard week and an even harder year. Her emotions were in turmoil. She could not seem to find peace.

What was wrong with her? The question she had been asking her self for weeks. She knew the answer. House. It did not matter what she did it always came back to him.

She tried to forget him but she could not help herself. Last week, she even had a date with an attorney she met at the hospital. It was a disaster. She cringed inside just thinking about it.

She was trying to move forward in her social life. She had been exchanging regular e-mails with Sebastian Charles. He was more than interested, that was obvious. He would be in town next month and he wanted to take her out to dinner. Sebastian embodied everything she should want in a male. The doctor was renowned for his generosity and hard work. He was gentle, kind, good looking and rich. What was her freaking problem? God, she was an idiot.

Cameron's thoughts always came back to House. She knew House found her attractive and regardless of what he said, he did have feelings for her. She had always clung to that. She was an expert on that part of it. She had dealt with it her whole life. There had been plenty of admirers over the years but Greg House was different. He saw more than just her looks. However, he was not a typical male by any stretch of the imagination. Allison did not want typical. She wanted someone that kept her on her toes. She wanted a challenge. She had learned to thrive on it. House was sometimes cruel but he pushed her. Her skills as a doctor had improved immensely under his mentoring. Furthermore, she had a voice.

Life could not continue this way anymore. However, she did not know what to do about it. He knew how she felt. What more could she do? There was no one she could talk to about this. The few friends she still talked to, lived in another city. They would not understand. You had to know House. She felt defeated and lonely. This is what her life had come to at thirty years old. A lone tear fell out of the corner of her left eye. Allison sniffed and decided at that moment, that something needed to change. There had to be someone she could confide in. A person that understood the situation. But who? A knowing smile grew on her lips. Wait…there was someone she could talk to. She could go straight to the horse's ass.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2-So Close

House was in the middle of watching reruns of "The OC" eating pepperoni pizza and beer. This is how everyone should spend Friday night. He heard a knock at his door. It was not Wilson because he was in Chicago at a convention . Who would dare to interrupt him at home? His cane was in the kitchen so he hobbled to the door and his forehead fell against the cold wood of the door when he saw through his peephole who dared to come to his private domain. This could not be good because Allison Cameron was standing on his front stoop in what looked like her pajamas.

He opened the door and said, "You're not the hooker I ordered. Where are the scarves and whipped cream?"

Cameron rolled her eyes and gave him a weak smile. "I left them in my other jacket." She just stood there peering at him with THOSE eyes. This was not good . He was doomed.

Dr. Gregory House was flummoxed as what to do. If he invited her in, he knew the conversation was going to lead to feelings and all that crap. He had been hard on her over the past few weeks and he guessed it had taken it's toil. Wilson had warned him repeatedly to let up but why should he treat her any different from anyone else. He knew why but he could bring himself to admit it to himself. He was so screwed.

He closed the door and turned the lock. He turned around and saw that she was clenched up. What was it about him that made her so tense? Oh that's right. He was a horse's ass. She and many others had informed him of this tidbit of information several times over the past few weeks.

"Unclench, Cameron." He stated as he teetered back to his dinner of pizza and beer. He took his seat and said as nicely as he was capable of, "Well, are you going to have a seat or not?"

Allison replied by sitting at the other end of the dark leather couch with her hands in her jacket pockets. She was fiddling with her keys looking at her feet.

"Oh for goodness sakes, Cameron. What is it?" House spoke while pushing the pause button on his TV program. She looked so miserable. "Do you want something to eat? A beer?" He was trying to be sensitive. Whatever.

"Okay!" She reached for a piece of his pizza. Who the hell did she think she was to grab his stuff ? He slapped her hand away.

"Go get your own damn pizza and beer." House snarked and pointed to the kitchen.

Cameron got up and went into the kitchen to get what she needed to eat. She came back with a plate of pizza and a beer. She nibbled on the pizza and drank a sip of beer. Her liquid courage, she thought.

"No wonder you are so skinny, you eat like a mouse. Watch me." House took such an enormous bite of the pizza, he had to use his right hand to push the rest into his mouth. Next, he took his beer and gulped down several tastes. For effect, he used the back of his left hand to wipe off his mouth.

They sat in silence for several minutes and both ate. It was bearable for House. Finally, they both laid back because they were full. Cameron looked over at House and their eyes locked for several minutes. "I..uh…wanted…no..um… needed."

"Spit it out! I am missing my shows." House snapped but continued to meet her gaze.

"They are recorded for heaven sakes!" She snapped back as tears began to prick the backs of her eyes. She must have been crazy to think this would help. She did the only thing she could do at that moment. She turned sideways again to face him. She took a deep breath. "I feel stuck."

House looked at her like she had lost her mind. "Huh?" Maybe she had gone off the deep end.

"House, I had a date last week." She blew out and walked in front of the television to keep his attention. She tried her best to unclench. This was not going exactly as she had planned.

"Okay and you need pointers on how to get him to do things to you." He suggestively wagged his eyebrows at her.

"No, you ass. It was not a good one." She was exasperated. Was it getting hot in the townhouse? She took the jacket off and laid it on the couch before she resumed her position in front of the television.

"That seems to be your MO except for Chase. Except with him, there was no date. It was just wham, bam, thank you, mam." House regretted the words as soon as they left his mouth. Chase was a damn idiot!

Cameron held his gaze. "You remember when Vogler was at the hospital last year and I was going to resign. The reason I did that was for self-preservation because of you. Well, I know you already know that. It's just that..." She stopped. She had lost her nerve. What was she doing?

House did not like how this was going. He realized he had been right about the feelings and stuff. He knew it was going to happen again sooner or later. He sensed it in her every day since the shooting several months ago.

"House, I don't like you anymore." She looked him in the eye looking for a reaction. She sounded like a silly teenager with a crush.

House did not know what to say to that. He guessed he had been wrong but that opinion was getting ready to change.

"I am not in like with you but I am in love with you. I swear I tried not to let it happen but it just happened. I think you are amazing.." She peered into his big, blue eyes and tried to find what she was looking for but House was guarded. He was right. All good things must come to an end.

The older man had no idea how to respond. Showing emotion was not his strong suit and doing that with Dr. Allison Cameron was absolutely forbidden. He made that decision a long time ago. He was in no place in his life to get involved with a girl fifteen years his junior. She was his employee. Okay so she would probably be good in bed but that was besides the point. Cameron…Allison would clean his house. He was such an idiot. Where is Wilson? He thought to himself. James always knows what to do in situations like this.

House was glued to his place on the couch. Allison Cameron mustered up all her nerve and walked over to stand in front of the man. He looked up at her. He was frozen. What had she done to him? He was mesmerized. Cameron gently placed her hand on his cheek and leaned over him and placed her lips on his. Simple and easy. It was the first time they had shared an intimate moment and she had initiated it. House responded by wrapping his hands in her luxurious brown hair.

Warm, soft, and cozy. House was reeling. Physical contact. He craved it with Cameron but always pushed it to the back of his mind. She was pleading with him by using her lips. Her hands began massaging the chords of his neck. House began to explore her lips and mouth with his tongue. He explored slowly. Slow and slower. Her lips and tongue were soft and sweet. Just as he imagined. God, she felt so good. Warning bells went off in House's head but he ignored it. This was not going to end well. But to hell with all that, he wanted this. The consequences be damned.

Allison Cameron had never felt so powerful. As the kiss deepened, Allison moaned into House's mouth. He made her feel whole. It sounded cliché even to her self but it was true.

Finally, Allison pulled away and cupped his cheek. She loved the feel of his stubble on her fingers. His eyes were filled with something. She tilted her head and continued to hold his gaze. It took only a moment for her to recognize what she saw. Regret. At that moment, she had her answer.

She knew it was over before it had ever begun. That was it. She no longer could hold on. She felt her heart tremble with pain. Two years. He was not going to take what she was offering. Her eyes began to fill with the burning tears of remorse as she delicately closed the door to the one place she longed to be…with Dr. Gregory House.

House closed his eyes and knew that he had done what needed to be done for her own good. His feelings were irrelevant. He would ruin her and she had no idea what she would be getting into by allowing herself to be in a relationship with a forty-five year old crippled doctor. Wilson tried to convince him otherwise just the other day. He knew he was kidding himself but this was the only way he could survive. He popped two vicodin in his mouth and began watching his television program.

_What hurts the most  
Is being so close  
And having so much to say  
And watching you walk away  
And never knowing  
What could have been  
And not seeing that loving you  
Is what I was trying to do_

_By Rascal Flats  
_

**This is my first fan fiction so be gentle but be honest.!**


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3-It Does Not Matter

Once again, House rejected her. It hurt like hell. The score now was House-2, Allison-0. She must be a sadist and did not know it, Allison thought to herself while shoving another bite of comfort food into her mouth.

Allison Cameron spent the rest of the weekend held up in her apartment allowing the pain to simmer. She ate junk food all weekend. The forlorn woman lost herself in Ben and Jerry's and Doritos. She had to get it out of her system before Monday. She had cried so much her eyes looked liked she had an allergic reaction to shellfish.

How was she going to face him tomorrow or anyone, for that matter? Surely, he would not tell anyone, except Wilson, of course. House was going to be unrelenting. That would be how he handled his emotions. He transferred it into his work.

This was not over by a long shot for her. How could it be? These feelings were not fleeting. She had no choice in matter. It happened so gradually for her. However, she was relieved that she had gotten her true feelings out in the open and did not have to carry the burden any longer. Nonetheless, she was paying a high price…emotionally.

This was different than with her husband. They had loved each other but not like this. What she felt for House was deeper. She felt a kindred spirit in him. House did not see it that way. He saw it as a school girl crush. House did that to make it easier on himself. She knew that. But that did not change the fact that they both had experienced extreme pain and loss in their lives. However, their reaction to that had been totally different. Allison lost herself in helping others while House lost himself in distractions of video games, television, work, alcohol and vicodin.

Eric left a message on her machine inviting her to brunch on Sunday. She wanted to go but did not have the energy to get dressed and leave the sanctuary of her apartment.

She felt emotionally drained. Her heart ached but it had dulled over the past few days. She knew she would still find ways to be near him, constantly fighting the urge to touch him. Hope, she had always held on to that eventually he would work out his "issues"…with Wilson's help, of course. She loved him. Nothing could change that…not even his rejection.

She was thirty years old. What did she have in her life…a job, a few friends, and some family. That was it. She was depleted and lonely. At the end of the weekend, nothing had changed, her life sucked and House was still just her employer and nothing more.

"House, you have got to be the biggest ass on the face of the earth." Jimmy Wilson yelled at his friend. He threw his hands up in surrender. What was the point any more?

It was Sunday morning and Dr. James Wilson had stopped by House's townhouse to chat with his best friend…the horse's ass… before he went home to his own empty apartment.

"That seems to be the consensus." Dr. Gregory House glared at his best friend.

"Let me see, a pretty…no…a gorgeous, intelligent, younger woman confesses her love for you and you basically kick her out. What is wrong with you? She is thirty years old and not thirteen. She's a widow, Greg. It's not like she has not experienced pain and loss. You care for her. I know you do."

"It does not matter." That was his pat answer.

"Yes, it does. To both of you. She is not Stacy, Greg. Yes, Stacy hurt you and all that shit, but that was over six years ago. Cameron's intentions towards you are honorable and pure. "

House nodded in tentative agreement and said, "It does not really matter."

"Eventually, she will leave, you know." Wilson looked straight into his eyes for some type of reaction but was disappointed. "A girl can only take so much rejection. Or worse, she will end up with someone else. Is that what you want?"

"Once again, it does not matter."

"You say that like if you keep repeating it enough, you will believe it. It's a lie and you know it" Wilson ran his fingers through his hair in frustration.

"I do believe it! What else am I to believe? How could a beautiful, intelligent young woman be happy with a miserable, old son of a bitch like me?" House snapped back.

"Well, I think she was trying to tell you that Friday night. Geez, House. She knows you are all those things but you do have a few good qualities. It's not like you are the worst person in the world. I think that title goes to Vogler."

"Damn straight." House agreed with a smile. Vogler was a jerk. No worse…he was…well, something but it was worse than him.

On Friday evening, after Allison…Cameron left, he turned the television off and sat alone in the dark. No alcohol but lots of vicodin. Just himself and his thoughts. Dangerous.

He thought of Stacy and how he thought they would marry one day. Contrary to popular belief, he thought marriage could be a good thing. He cringed at the thought of being married to Stacy. It would not have been pretty. He knows that now. To be honest, he did not even come to that realization until a few months ago. Stacy and he were volatile together. Their relationship was based on a strong, physical attraction which resulted in great sex. Sure, they had fun together but honestly, they fought more than anything over stupid, petty things. They were comfortable for awhile but it would not have lasted, even if there had not been an infarction. The first sign of trouble and they were over. There he admitted it to himself. Not that it mattered or changed anything.

Cameron was younger than him but possessed a maturity that few, even his own age, possessed. Of course, she was too emotional for his taste. On the other hand, Allison Cameron was hot. But that did not change the fact that she had developed a maturity developed from tragedy. He assumed hers was from being a widow at the early age of twenty two. He could never begin to imagine what she went through. He knew she had loved her husband. He would never tell her that though. It was his secret.

He had many secrets. He knew she did not want to fix him. That was just his line of defense. Other than Wilson and Cuddy, she was the only who accepted him as he was…cane and all. She wanted him to be better not different. She wanted to push him forward. He sounds like a sappy love song. This is why he could not give in to her.

When her lips touched his, he thought he was gone. His control had faltered as it always did when he was around her. It felt so good to kiss her. It had been part of his dreams for months. He had not felt that way in so long. The tug on his heart was hard and taunt. He recognized that feeling…that emotion. He just never expected it to be so strong for HER. There had been many other women in his life…okay, not that many…but they made demands on him. Cameron never did that. He just realized that. She always defended him. She accepted his shortcomings. Why? He had always wondered. He may never know the answer.

What had he done? The right thing. . How altruistic of you, Gregory House. Whatever! He needed a drink.

_**That is it for a few days. I have to go back into the real world. **_

**_This is a hard process for me because I really have never done well writing dialogue. It takes me hours to get a few pages. It's for my students. Okay, I really like writing stuff about House and Cameron but it is good practice because in the spring, we are writing short stories with dialogue. I had to face it one day!_**

_**Please keep reviewing and give me ideas. I need it. **_


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4-What I am Trying to Do

Monday morning came slowly. Cameron was thankful. She walked into the office and made the coffee. She went through her usual routine before everyone arrived. She would just act like nothing happened. Avoidance could work. At least, for a while. and it was highly underrated. Eric and Chase arrived at their usual 8:45. Each took their mail and went to sit at the table, while Allison sorted through House's mail. It was a chore that she loved to do. It gave her glimpses of him. There were cards and letters from people who respected him. They may not like him but he was well- respected in the medical community. She was positive that each and every person that respected him probably despised him too. He really could have cared less. She envied that about him.

Allison held her breath when she heard the sound of the cane hit the ground down the hall. He came in. Nothing was said. He came in put his stuff away. He put the book- bag on the desk and fished out his pill bottle from one of the front pockets. He put it in the left front pocket of his jeans. He threw the bag down behind the chair where she was sitting. She peered behind her over her shoulder. He did not even look at her. She would not be acknowledged.

"No new cases. What to do? What to do?" House exclaimed as he got his own coffee. Chase had brought in doughnuts so House grabbed two and disappeared out of the room.

She finally breathed out. Eric and Chase looked at her. Shrugged and both went back to their mail, coffee, and doughnuts.

Two hours later, Cameron was in the lab working on research for an article. He walked in, she could feel it. This was it. The hair on the back of her neck stood up. Her heart started racing. Her palms became sweaty and she had butterflies in her stomach. She would be in control. She could do it. She calmed herself.

She looked up from her microscope and gave him a small smile. House was not sure why he had come in the lab. Oh cripes, he knew. He wanted to see her. Make sure she was okay. She looked fine but he could tell she was tired. His heart contracted knowing he was the cause of her sleep deprivation. He was so in trouble!

"I wanted make sure you were okay." He had said out loud.

Shit! Shit! Shit! House thought to himself. What was she trying to do to him?

She looked at him with THOSE damn eyes. "I'm fine." She lied. He knew she was lying. And she knew that he knew she was lying. They just stared at one another.

House reached out his hand and tucked a piece of her hair behind her ear. Why the hell did he do that? He must be having some side effects from his drug use or something. She froze from his touch. She turned to face him completely. "Don't do that, please." She whispered pleadingly. The tears were starting to well behind her eyes. His heart contracted again. What the hell was going on with him?

House reached for her and pulled her into his arms. She put her arms around his neck and absolutely clung to him for dear life. She began to quietly cry. Part of it was from being so tired and the other was because she was emotional from seeing him. He leaned back to look into her eyes, "Meet me on the roof." He walked out. No explanation. Just so, House like. Of course, the idiot she is, she goes. After all, what did she have to lose?

She walked up to the roof and he was standing there looking out over the parking lot. She was still crying. She walked beside him. She could tell that he was in contemplation. Weighing his options.

"I can't do this anymore." She whispered. "Maybe you can but I can't. It's too hard, House." She was pleading with him for understanding.

"I know." That was all he could muster. They were standing elbow to elbow and he could feel her tremble.

"Hold me, again." She reached for him. He complied. He rested his head upon hers. She molded to him so easily. They fit. He was going down fast. She clung to him. Okay, he clung to her too. Why wouldn't he? She was hot and all that other touchy feely mushy stuff that Wilson was always blathering on about.

"I can not work with you every day and not be able to act upon my feelings. I have done it for too long." She spoke into his chest.

House did the only thing he knew to do. He lifted her chin with his fingers and kissed her with every ounce of passion he had in his body. It was almost violent. Cameron gave as good as she got. Her tongue waged war with his. She grabbed a hold of his head and held on for dear life. When they needed air, she came up but then went at it again. She could not stop, she knew he would…eventually. She wanted to get all that she could in this moment. Their breathing was labored by their ministrations. House finally stopped and lifted his head. Touching her face and rubbing her forearms gently.

"I am turning in my resignation." She said as a matter of fact. No threat…just a fact.

"You don't need to." He said still touching her and savoring the moment.

"I will not survive this time, House." She was referring to her husband. He looked at her long and hard. He was memorizing everything about her…again.

"How can you kiss me like that and not want to be with me in relationship?"

"It's more complicated than that and you know it. I never said I did not want you. I just don't want a relationship with you. It would not end well."

"How can you say that? Why do I have to be punished for Stacy's mistakes?" She pulled herself away from him so she could form her thoughts. "I have never given you any reason to believe that I was anything but loyal to you."

"It is not about loyalty, Cameron. It is about realism." She was about to speak but House held up his hand so he could finish. "Maybe not today or next week or next month but at some next time you will be fed up and leave. Why should I have to endure that again?"

"Damn it, House. I know you will piss me off and all that stuff but you know what, that is part of loving someone. I am not perfect either. You always seem to forget that. I have flaws just like everyone else. I will piss you off. How is that different? It does not mean, one of us will leave."

What she was saying was making sense and that scared him more than anything. He needed to think. He needed a drink and a strong one. He needed…oh, hell. He needed her.

"No more, House. This is it. I know you are torn by the past but so am I. This is not easy for me. I need to tell you something." She looked down at the ground. She was trying to get up her courage.

He waited patiently because he could see she was processing and organizing her thoughts. He owed her that. Huh? He did.

"I have not been in another relationship with a man since my husband died eight years ago. I have dated some men but those have been few and far between. I did not want to settle for mediocrity, I wanted more. Intimately, I have only been with two men since my husband died and you already know one of them." She blew out a breath.

House was perplexed. How is that possible? She was so fine and she smelled so good. She could even make coffee. He had always assumed there had been others. Wow! He was an idiot.

"How is that possible?"

"Different priorities. I was not ready. Too much to do. Other things happened. Life happened. This job. Other things. I don't know. It just never seemed important. Until now." She added firmly.

House was confused. Where was Wilson?

"You need to figure this out yourself, House…without Wilson." Was she reading his mind now? He was even more screwed than he thought? She was worse than Cuddy at reading him.

"How do you know what I am thinking?"

"Your eyes. That is how I always held on to hope for how you felt because I could see it. It was always there. You never realized it but I did." She smiled and it reached her eyes.

Going, going, gone. He was sold!

"Come here." House called to her. She easily stepped into his arms. He held her hard to him. He was so frightened of losing her. He ached inside for her. It was something he never felt before. He felt connected to something bigger than himself. Something bigger than his damned ego. Wilson would be proud because he leaned down and kissed her to let her know how he felt even if he could not say it out loud…yet.

Allison felt him give into all that he fought over the past few years. She smiled to herself knowing she had been the one to break down that barrier. She was not stupid, she knew it was not going to be easy. Hell, it would be difficult at times. Okay, most of the time. Who cares? Because Gregory House was worth it all. He just needed to realize that.


	5. Chapter 5

Epilogue:

Two years had passed since their encounter on the roof, but things had gotten better. Their life was not perfect not by a long shot but they had each other. Their relationship had blossomed to something bearable. Okay, something beautiful but House would never admit it. After all, he was still a horse's ass. He will still reminded on a daily basis by many around him.

Allison never expected him to change and in most ways he never did. But he did begin to allow people into his life. He missed that. He had never been one with tons of friends but all humans need companionship. He even visited his parents in Florida.

She would not move in with him. She spent the night several nights a week but she refused to live in the townhouse. It was a matter of principle for her. She wanted it all. Not just a commitment by sharing the same living space. She wanted marriage and the whole kit and caboodle. This scared the hell out of Greg House. He could live with someone but marriage was until death. He firmly believed that. That is why he had not married Stacy because deep down he knew it would not last. He would be fifty in three years so I guess he had to make a choice. Okay, he had already bought the ring. He was not a stupid man and he wanted her at all costs.

He loved her more and more every day. He had only told her a few times how he really felt but she knew it by his actions rather than his words. She seemed to be satisfied by that. When they made love, which was often, sometimes twice a day, he gave her his all. There were times he thought he would explode because of the heat between them. Cameron was a very passionate woman as he found out a few weeks after the "roof incident" as they called it. She made him wait. They had made out, necked, and touched but she would never allow him to do her until one night she grabbed his hand and led him into his bedroom. He never looked back.

He had lived his life in fear too long. He realized that and he now was going to take the plunge. He knew she suspected something. She was not stupid either. However, she did not know when or where.

They may never be happily ever after but they could be happy.


End file.
